I’m so worn down this week and don’t have much to show for it in many different facets (oh, guess I’m on the cusp of dictating a themed entry). Three miles on a treadmill and 3.5 behind the FAC proved that there is something seriously wrong with my ankle, and I don’t know what I did. Still did a pair of weight lifting sessions and feel my shoulders are starting to look squishily toned.
Initial trainer prognoses feel it has something to do with my nerves. Huh? What did I do? How do you offend the nerves that wrap around ones ankle bone to the point of sharply intense pain? A doctor appointment awaits me for the 11th, so I should get to see a specialist sometime around oh, early August.
Meanwhile, my sleep has deteriorated. Takes me forever to fall asleep, and if I wake up (like I did at 4a this morning), I am up. This I can pinpoint, connect to a cause (transitioning off my current headache medication), so it doesn’t concern me as much. Still totally sucks.
Finally, while I write this, I am in transit on 94 East, heading to a softball series in Detroit.
If I didn’t make it known to pretty much everyone I work with that I didn’t want to go, consider this me stating I didn’t want to go because I don’t feel I need to go. One doesn’t need a stat-lackey, computers are a wonderful thing, even if its DOS-based. Everything is changing in my pathetic profession, and from a sociological perspective, it’s somewhat interesting to watch the old fall victim to the new.
Sports Information as its been from the 70s (ill throw that out there as a starting point as my workplace leads me to believe stats did not exist prior to 1973) until the early part of the last decade is essentially supernova-ing and the “old guard” doesn’t know what to do.
I like watching people get eaten alive, slowly. What can I say…
But it’s in this shift, a schism, if you will, that I am painfully adrift. Things that need to change to stay ahead of the game (game, sports…hey!) aren’t changing. I can curse my forward-thinking strengths, but to watch as the status quo remains untouched over and over is unfortunate. Welcome to my job.
So from this lack of a maelstrom, I got really angry today. Not just normal angry, aside from the stabbing pains of the head and the hoof, but enraged. Specifics need not apply, but I retreated to my home, simultaneously plotting the dearth and destruction of as many as I could while feeling wounded. It’s hard eating a PB sandwich feeling defeated. I hungrily preserved, as did my feline duo.
While petting the cats, smacking my peanut buttery gums and calming myself down, it came to me that knowing how to bring someone down (though it wouldn't be difficult in the slightest) isn’t the person I want to be. I honestly understood for the first time that nothing in my current situation is going to change, and the clouds lifted.
My work environment has come to define me to my core, and that’s over. What an amazing sense of calm to really be able to see things from a better perspective:
Lip service remains a constant, and everyone becomes a product of the system. Think you are gonna get out? Nope! Should probably already be thinking ahead to next year. Ambition gets lost in the Flamey sea of apathy. Consider it a deep body of water.
I will be using this weekend away in a city my mother grew up in (sidenote, eek) to cement my decisions in as private a setting as 15 college-aged brats can muster, but at this point I’m certain I will come back knowing what is about to transpire. And I hope that calms my ankle nerves down a bit. Certainly helps my head.